Where do I go from here?

I haven't posted anything in almost a month. I've been busy, but more than that I don't know what to post. I'm not really interested in posting things about the baby on a public page. I also don't think anyone would find "omg, up at all hours feeding again" posts interesting. I don't find the topic interesting, and it's my baby.

Plus, there is the big elephant in the room. I still think of myself as an infertile. But I have a baby. And he's a great baby, even on his most trying days. There are lots of people I know still waiting for their miracles. I don't want anyone stumbling onto this site from another only to be smacked in the face by talk of a baby.

Eventually we're going to try for another. I expect more of the same (miscarriages, high risk, RE needed just for a viable pregnancy). We have had to reevaluate what we want for our family though. My OB told me that if I have another pregnancy with low fluid, she will be able to say it is related to my unicornuate uterus. So a third pregnancy would have the same problem. We have decided we can't go through three pregnancies like this one. We just can't. The hospital stay was bad enough this time. I can't imagine how much harder it would be on both of us with a toddler. We would still love to have two more kids. But realistically we will settle for one more, whether through birth or adoption.

So this is my last post for the time being. I might come back to this when we start trying again, but then again I might not. I wanted to put up a clear "end" post rather than let this just drift off like so many blogs I see. I have made a conscious decision to not continue updating.

Thank you to everyone who commented over the past two years. You reminded me that I'm not alone. I will still be reading and keeping everyone in my thoughts.

We're home.

It's been a long time coming. I can't believe how lucky we were, even with everything that happened. After the five week hospital stay, our son was born the morning of May 3 via c-section. He was 6 lbs 4 oz and is absolutely perfect. I say that not as a parent thinking their child is the bestest ever, but as someone who was terrified her baby would be put in the NICU for weeks.

But he didn't need the NICU. He didn't need the Progressive Care Nursery (one step above NICU at my hospital). He cried with an awesome set of lungs and shouted at all of the nurses for being born. He came with me to the postpartum floor, and we were released three days later. Just like normal people. 

My other fear was breast feeding. Not only was he a c-section baby, but he was a 37 weeker, aka "early term." I read horror stories about early term babies not being able to latch or feed well. Aside from a brief blood sugar problem the day after he was born (which is apparently common), he has been feeding like a champ. He latched well from the beginning, despite me being drugged up and having no idea what I was doing. He also came out with a full head of hair. :)

As for me, the c-section wasn't that bad. I had to have two spinals (!!!) because I have "extra" nerve endings, according to the anesthesiologist. They gave me one and kept making me lift my legs. Everyone in the OR was shocked each time I did it. They don't see many people like me, I guess. Oh, and I hadn't had the second spinal before they put the catheter in. Yay for that fun experience.

I don't remember much about what happened before the baby was born. R has mentioned things the doctor said during the procedure, but most of that is a blank for me. What I do remember was the nurse anesthetist who sat at my head with R. Since neither one of us was going to look and see what was going on, she kept us updated. She also made me feel better by pressing a magic button when my blood pressure dropped and I thought I was going to get sick, and reassured me that my nose tingling was normal and that I wasn't about to stop feeling my entire body (not just the bottom half). She was my favorite.

The reason I don't remember much is that I was so focused on whether the baby would cry or not. I knew if he started crying, he would be pushing the fluid out of his lungs (fluid in the lungs is one of the main reasons c-section babies go to the NICU). After he cried and after I heard his weight -- which impressed everyone -- I started asking my OB questions. My uterus IS bigger than they thought. If there is a range of unicornuate uteruses (never know how to pluralize that), mine is on the large side. I have a deformed fallopian tube going to the useless side. 

Because I had two spinals, it took a long time for me to be able to feel my feet again. That meant I spent more time in the recovery room, but that was actually ok. They left the baby with us while we were in recovery. I even got to try to nurse. (Side note: every damn person in that hospital saw my boobs. The baby ate so much and so often, or tried to, I always had him up to my boob if he was in the room with me. I didn't even care by the end of the first day.)

The first day after the surgery was bad. My morphine wore off and I had to start moving around. Trying to take a shower and position the baby to eat was incredibly painful. Every day since then has gotten better though. My biggest problem now is that I was on hospital bed rest for five weeks. I can handle the stairs during the day, but walking around the (small) park by our house is . . . hard. I keep reminding myself it's only been two weeks. I know it's going to take time.

Here is one of my favorite pictures of the baby. It was right after his first sponge bath at home. He's trying to eat the towel.

And that face is what made everything worth it in the end. When he gets his grumpy face on or cries, he looks like a carbon copy of R. Not that R is grumpy all the time, the baby just has his facial expressions.

Speaking of, Sir Eats A Lot is waking up again. 

Final ultrasound.

My fluid levels are still hovering at about 5. Still "stable" and no reason to rush me down to an OR. The baby still looks great. He's been a champ through this whole process. I still wish I could have given him a better environment to grow in, but my body has done more than I thought it could.

This is probably my last post for a while. We're spending the next few days getting ready for Friday (as much as we can while I'm in the hospital). I don't have any real news. Nothing has changed, I'm not going into labor any time soon. I can't wait to move to a floor where I don't hear dopplers randomly throughout the day. I get stressed out hearing my neighbor's monitor on top of my own. It reminds me of what the nurses and doctors are always telling me: my baby does very well during his tests. Not everyone is that lucky. Ridiculously long hospital stay aside, we have been very fortunate, and the baby has been very fortunate.

I never thought April would end, and it's ending today.

36 weeks.

And we are on the last week of my pregnancy, however you look at it. My c-section is scheduled for Friday morning. A week from today, I will already have a baby, whether it's on schedule or happens in the next week because I go into labor.

I'm still sitting in the hospital not doing much. It seems a lot more bearable now that we only have a week left. I could be home (with the cats! and a baby!) a week from Sunday. Everything is a countdown at this point. I only have a few, maybe 5, more days of the painful shots. My contractions register higher on the monitors now, but I usually don't have many and they still don't hurt. So no one cares. I am supposed to have another ultrasound today to monitor fluid levels, but they've been pretty stable for weeks. We aren't expecting much change.

The antepartum unit I'm on has a "group" session once a week with all the trapped pregnant women who are allowed to go. Usually it's a class of some sort where we're supposed to learn something, but seeing other people stuck in the same position is just too much. We end up chattering the whole time. I felt bad for the lactation consultant who was here this week, but she was kind of a fruit loop anyway. I don't think she realized we sent her class off the rails. Anyway, I shock people when I walk into that class. It's very obvious I'm close to term, low fluid and small uterus be damned. Most of the women here are trying to make it to 32 or 34 weeks. They will then be released to home bed rest or will deliver. My OB pointed out that most of them won't go home with their babies, who will have to stay in the NICU. The chances are increasing daily that our baby will go home when I do. It's still strange though. The lactation consultant asked all of us how far along we were. There were a few beats of silence after I said "35 weeks 4 days." Everyone just stared. Then the other women started asking why I was still here, etc.

One woman was also admitted for low fluid. She had had two IVs that did nothing, along with drinking loads of water. Just like me. Difference? She's only 27 weeks. I felt so bad for her. I didn't know if she would want to talk to me or not. I at least didn't have this problem until 32 weeks. But I had to agree with her that if the IVs and water intake didn't help, probably nothing would. The other women were trying to be encouraging. But there I am, enormously pregnant, and at the end of my hospital bed rest. It sucks no matter why you're in here, but with an incompetent cervix they do eventually send you home. Low amniotic fluid doesn't get that kind of treatment.

The next group session is scheduled for the day before my c-section. It's something about infant massage, so that sounds useful and interesting. Better than planting window greenery, which was the plan until the planter person couldn't make it. I told the other ladies if we were planting things one of them could have mine. :)

No more automatic NICU stay, blood thinners, and contractions

35w1d. After 35 weeks babies in this hospital don't automatically get sent to the NICU. It's a decision made on a case by case basis. I know the baby might still have a NICU stay, but to me it was huge to reach the point where it wasn't a given. Each day that goes by gives us a better chance of him coming home with us or only staying a few days beyond us. If I can make it to Friday, 36 weeks, we'll have a great chance of having him in the room with us on the post-partum floor.

Which I would love to get to, by the way. I'm also looking forward to being released, complete with screaming, pooping baby, to go home. I'm in a nice sunny room now, but that doesn't really make up for being here.

The other fun thing I now get are blood thinning shots. My doctor started me on the once a day shots (that I won't name, but start with an L and end in an X) a few weeks ago to make sure I don't get a clot while on bed rest. The problem with the shots is that if I have to go into an emergency c-section, I can't get a spinal within 24 hours after that shot and would have to be completely knocked out. And R couldn't be there to see his son born. The OB was trying to be nice with the once a day shots, thinking I could switch to twice a day shots that only last 12 hours when I was closer to 37 weeks. After a day where I finally felt the contractions that registered on the monitor, I asked to be switched to the twice a day shots early. There is so little I have been able to control in the last few weeks, but the last thing I want is for both of us to miss the birth so that I could have one painful shot a day instead of two.

Lots of women have to take these shots their entire pregnancy. They don't bother me too much (except when I get them -- they freaking HURT!), it just seems like another torture device while I'm trapped here.

And of course the reason I switched to the shots: I'm having noticeable contractions. I have had lots of braxton hicks contractions since 20-something weeks, and they do show up on my monitors. I never felt much. Now I'm starting to get uncomfortable. I had one this morning that registered much higher than my usual "irritable uterus" fluctuations. I also had a few while my dad was visiting this afternoon. Of course I pretended like nothing was wrong so he wouldn't raise the alarm and my mother would come flying in for no real reason. I have also felt very . . . ill the past few days. One of the nurses took pity on me and called the OB to get some anti-nausea medication approved for me this afternoon. I think it helped? I can't really tell yet.

I still hope my uterus can hold out until Friday. I would love to make it to 36 weeks. If I don't though, I'm ok with it. I have made it much farther than I really thought was possible, and despite all the complications the baby is doing just fine. He's now on the small side, but I assume he'll have an appetite like his parents and will gain weight quickly.

34 weeks.

At midnight I will be 34 weeks. They will no longer stop labor if it starts, I'll just be rolled into a c-section. I'm still at the hospital, although we got one fabulous night at home. The condition of discharging me for that one night was that I had to come in for an ultrasound the following day. And of course my fluid was still low (I had a peak the day before that seems to have been a fluke or a misreading), so back in I went. I'm in a different room now, slightly bigger, and my OB is lobbying for me to be moved to one of the "nice" rooms on this unit. I will be here until I deliver.

We had a long discussion with the MFM on Wednesday. I feel slightly better about things since I've made it this far. The baby's growth has started to slow. They will check it again, but not until 36 weeks. In the meantime they will be checking my fluid two or three times a week, depending on what the readings are. As long as the baby is doing fine (he's doing great, actually) and I still have some fluid, I will stay pregnant. If I am still pregnant when I reach 37 weeks, I will deliver. That day. The MFM does not want me going beyond 37 weeks precisely with low fluid.

We are looking at a birthday of May 3 or sooner. I hope not sooner, but I think I can accept it if he's born a little early. It's hard not to blame my placenta, uterus, the two-vessel cord, or anything else that could possibly be causing the problem. I know these are things out of my control. I have done everything I could -- including sitting on my bum in the hospital for what might end up being six weeks -- to try to give this baby the best chance I can.

As for the hospital bed rest, it's boring. Most women here have it far worse than me. I'm allowed to move around and go to the bathroom by myself. Pre-term labor is not a concern for me at ALL, so I can sit up and move around more than other women on this floor. I'm sitting in the reclining chair instead of the bed right now. It took a little while for the nurses to get used to me (I'm the only one not dealing with IC or PTL), but now they're used to me being up and moving around some. Most of the women here for IC are released at 34 weeks, so the other issue is that I'm going to become the most mature pregnancy here. It made it a little lonely for a while. Now that we're in the home stretch it doesn't seem so isolating though.

I have a countdown on the white board in my room. 21 days left in this room, on the outside.

33w 1d, Day 8 of captivity

My scan on Thursday showed no real improvement. It showed no decline in levels either, so that was good. I had gotten nervous before the MFM arrived that she would want to deliver the baby after seeing the levels. She told me that she would only want to deliver at this gestation if the baby had NO fluid left. He's just doing too well on the NSTs for them to think he needs to be on the outside. That was reassuring. Even though I really really (REALLY REALLY REALLY) want to go home, the bigger fear is that the baby will have to come too early. My OB did tell me that this problem could be related to my unicornuate uterus OR it could be from the two-vessel cord. There's no way to know unless I have the same problem in a later pregnancy. My next check isn't until Tuesday. So I'm here for the duration, watching tv shows I never had an interest in before. (Side note: anyone seen My Cat From Hell? Fascinating.)

I have seen a parade of doctors since being here. Whoever is on call for my OB's practice stops by to check on me during the day. It's generally a pretty boring check up. The baby has great tracings, I don't have any symptoms of pre-term labor, and I just kind of sit here like a bump on a log. That said, there's one doctor that we have decided we absolutely don't trust. She was the OB on call when I first had to come to l&d back in January.

First problem was that she told me on Monday that even if my levels were good and the MFM wanted to discharge me, she was going to keep me because she was basically afraid I was going to go into labor. What? I have NO SYMPTOMS of pre-term labor. I get braxton-hicks contractions, but not frequently while I'm here. I told her there was no way I would let that happen. My cervix had been checked only a few days perviously and had been long and closed. I had no idea what she was talking about, and she couldn't back it up with any data on ME. We decided she was just freaked out by my UU. I made it very clear though that if the MFM cleared me for home bed rest, that was what was happening.

That day wasn't a problem because my levels hadn't improved, but it made me wonder. The next day she told us that I was "just on the edge" of having her send me to an emergency c-section. We were still worried about that possibility at that point, so we didn't question it. R brought it up later after my talk with the MFM (and the other four OBs I saw last week, including my own). None of them think I'm anywhere close to delivering unless my levels totally tank.

I have never been a true problem patient. I ask a lot of questions, sure, but I'm not one of those people who act like they know more than doctors. As long as they discuss things with me I'm fine. But this one doctor is so far off from where all the others are that R and I now have an agreement in place. If she's the one who is saying I need to deliver, we're calling my regular OB and MFM. I just don't trust her, and when I'm here and basically helpless, that's a little scary. I know what we're looking for on the tracings. R and I pay attention to them when I'm hooked up to the machines. The nurses watch them like hawks. I am not going to be pushed into delivering this baby earlier than he needs to come because of one paranoid doctor.

Five full days until I hit 34 weeks, which is my next goal.